A Gray Area

Posted on Posted in Congenital Heart Defects, Induction/L&D, Stories, Uncategorized

By N.F.

A Gray Area
I spent (continue to spend) many nights with God trying to understand and find answers. Still, I have none.

We were going to find out at 20 weeks…is it a boy or a girl? This is our second child and we have a beautiful little girl. We are hoping for a healthy boy, but a healthy girl would be wonderful too!

We were granted neither.

A boy. But not healthy. Not even close. The ultrasounds confirmed that our son had multiple anomalies. I had never heard the word and wished I never had. We spent the next two weeks racing from one doctor’s appointment to the next, just trying to get some hopeful news.

We never got any answers. Just that our son had multiple heart problems, the lining of the abdominal was “strange”, the right side of his brain not developed , cleft lip and on and on. None of these things adding up to anything—we were told “May or may not be fatal” and “May or may not be able to have a normal life.” These are the things that were said and that it is really a gray area. In face, for us it was a dark gray area.

I thought I have to make a horrible decision on a dark gray area? How is that possible?

I spent many nights online researching every problem that our son had. I spent (continue to spend) many nights with God trying to understand and find answers. Still, I have none.

After many tears we decided to terminate the pregnancy. We induced labor at 24 weeks and I got to meet our little angel. I talk to him every day. I am left with questions and I am left with emptiness in which I feel that he will be able to fill when I meet up with him again.

I miss him. I miss his him in my womb and in my heart. My world will never be the same.

If you are reading this in search for answers, sometimes there aren’t any. If you can, take pictures, hold them until you are unable to, dedicate your life to make a difference, and always remember them.

Our hearts goes out to you!

 

 

photo credit: 132/365 Eventually Flowers via photopin (license)