I called my baby Miyo Lani because it means “beautiful child of heaven“ in Japanese. It just seemed appropriate. I feel he was a boy—although I don’t know for sure.
Baby Miyo’s risk of Down syndrome was 1:7. He had no nose and a heart defect. My womb lays back which prevented me from having CVS testing. We would have had to endure the long wait for an amnio, which I couldn’t bring myself do. As his mother, I knew it wasn’t fair to ask him to face this world and all its cruelties; life is hard enough when you’re healthy.
The pain we went through making this decision is something all of you here understand. I’ve told this story so many times: I urge every one who needs it to find help. I am currently being undergoing Post-Abortion counselling. We’ve covered a 10 step program and I’ve come to terms with my guilt, my anger and my grief. I’m currently about to embark on forgiving myself, which I think will be tough, but I know I need to do it.
It’s been four months since Miyo died and although I know I will always miss him and my hopes for him, I have now come out of the dark feeling of despair. And I have said my goodbyes to him. He’s always in my heart, though. I don’t want to always be sad when I think of him. I want his memory to be free and peaceful. And although now the tears come again, I know I did what was best for him, for us, and for Miyo’s brother. I’ll always love him. He is safe with the angels now.