My Blueberry 

By Laken – Blue’s Mom

I wasn’t planning to get pregnant. At the time I was single and had just moved into a new apartment so imagine my surprise when I decided to take a pregnancy test for fun on November 2, 2025, just for it to turn positive almost instantly. I was shocked. I had a panic attack, immediately texted my best friend and then called my mom crying.

I had recently had a miscarriage in March and was not ready to try again and risk it. In denial, I took 4 more tests, I cried in fear. 

My first cravings were anything blueberry, I was baking a million muffins a week. so we started calling the baby “blueberry” or “baby blue”. 

It was a few weeks before my first appointment but in that time, I was trying to adjust to the idea of having a baby.  Of bringing my little blue into this cruel world.

I had my first OB appointment where I heard the heartbeat. I sobbed that this was actually happening again. I was being given another chance and I wouldn’t mess it up this time. 

I was monitored closely for weeks, with weekly appointments for the first month and a half, before my doctor decided I was okay to space out my appointments. 

I found out she was a girl from the NIPT at 10 weeks. Everything looked amazing. I had an appointment at 16 weeks and things were still good. They scheduled my anatomy scan for 3 weeks later at 19w6d. 

I had just announced to family and friends that I was expecting a baby girl, due in July. I had just put her baby shower invitations in the mail. I went into that anatomy scan so excited to see my Blueberry. She was so active and just kicking up a storm. I cried tears of joy seeing my girl and hearing her healthy heartbeat. Then the ultrasound tech went quiet. I asked if everything was okay, she said yes. 

I went to the room to wait on my doctor, she looked at me with sadness in her eyes and told me there were some concerns from the ultrasound. From what they saw, there was possible fluid on her brain and possible facial abnormalities. I was in shock. I didn’t cry because I was scared I wouldn’t stop. They were going to send me to a MFM a week later but wanted to do the AFP test. 

It came back that I was high risk for OSB (open spina bifida). I hit my knees and sobbed for an hour when I saw those results. I was terrified she would have a life threatening issue. My doctor called to say her spine had looked fine on the ultrasound so that wasn’t a huge concern. 

I went to MFM where they confirmed my worst fears, my baby girl had anencephaly and hydrocephalus. A fatal condition, my innocent girl was incompatible with life. I cried for a few minutes and then asked what my options were, if this was a truly fatal diagnosis, if she had any chance of survival at all, or if there was anything at all that we could do to help her. I was told no, she would not survive no matter what and there was no fix for this. 

Her condition had happened in the first four weeks of pregnancy and it was in no way my fault. How it was missed in earlier scans I’m still not sure. 

In my home state, termination is illegal. It’s only slightly okay when a mother’s life is in immediate danger. Mine was not, so there was nothing they could do. I asked in their medical opinion, what they would recommend if everything was legal—they said termination. 

I went home so sad that I was not only losing my baby, but I was going to have to make the decision to lose her sooner.  Devastated and heartbroken I started researching clinics and funds to assist. I knew it would be more expensive the further along I got and I wasn’t sure what kind of assistance I would get. 

I found a clinic where they were so nice, compassionate, and supportive. The funding group I was in contact with were amazing. I drove 14 hours one way to the clinic I’d chosen, had the 2 day procedure started, and had it completed on 02/27/2026. They confirmed the abnormalities and even said her hands and feet were also abnormal. I felt her kick me all morning and then by the afternoon she was gone. 

The funeral home we chose helped with everything and were so kind to me.

I was so empty but I knew in that moment, I had made the right decision—as hard as it was. My baby girl would never suffer, she only ever knew a world of love, and I know she would be proud of the strength her mother had to make such a hard decision.

I’m blessed to have been able to carry her for 21 weeks, but I will forever miss what I never got to have. The remaining 19 weeks, her baby shower, the maternity shoot, the feeling of her on my chest, dressing her up in little outfits, and having her wear bows the size of her head. It hasn’t even been a week. I feel like some days I’m drowning in grief, but then other days I’m just fine. 

I have a stuffed animal with her heartbeat that I sleep with and I cry at night while apologizing to her for failing her. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I feel so guilty that my body failed to do what it was made to do. I miss my sweet Blueberry more than anything.