I have never forgotten the bouquet of white irises my friend Anastasia sent me afterwards, and that was over 15 years ago.

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Q:

I’m not sure if I goofed with a friend who has had a tragedy befall her. I found out yesterday that her pregnancy has ended. I know that two weeks ago she had a CVS, and I am assuming she made the difficult choice to end her wanted pregnancy due to a chromosome disorder. I personally don’t see this as very different than if she’d had a miscarriage.

I e-mailed a few friends that she had told, and asked if they wanted to send her flowers along with me. All three of them thought that flowers were questionable, they thought a card was better. But honestly, when I had my second miscarriage at 16 weeks, I was so comforted that people cared enough to send flowers. Nothing hurts me more than people trying to brush “an unfortunate event” under the rug.

So, based on my theories, all three friends agreed to have their names on the flowers. But when I told my husband what I’d done, said it was in poor taste. He said, “She might just want to forget.” As if she could! Did I totally goof up? I just know she will remember this always, and I couldn’t stand the thought of her alone in her apartment, without anyone acknowledging such a heartbreaking thing.

Do you think I did wrong by sending her the flowers? The card said Dear C and husband: We are thinking of you, and we are so, so sorry… love A, B, C and D.

I would appreciate your advice, as I would like to apologize to her if need be.

A:

I suppose it depends on your friend, but I doubt apologies are in order. I have never forgotten the bouquet of white irises my friend Anastasia sent me afterwards, and that was over 15 years ago. It meant a lot to me.

Acknowledging her loss with an expression of sympathy and caring is a thoughtful thing to do, whether it’s a bouquet, a card or a casserole. Although she may not be ready to share her feelings about the loss, believe me, she will not be “just forgetting about it.” We never forget about this type of loss. Ever. Early on, don’t be concerned about “reminding” her; it’s probably all she can think about.

Please let her know about the Ending a Wanted Pregnancy web site and private support group if you think it might help your friend through the healing process.