Stepping Out: Transforming Pain into Loving Action

By Marna Cathleen Today is the second anniversary of Blue’s EDD (expected due date). Two years ago today me, her father, family and friends gathered to honor her life. This year as I anticipated the day I didn’t know what to expect. To my surprise something unexpected and beautiful happened two days before her day that made March 16th a very beautiful day. I worked at a homeless clinic as medical social worker for the last year, and left in January for a new job. I believe that my experience with Blue and the deep pain of that loss has widened my bandwidth to hold other people’s […]

Oh, Courtney

By Gina Years ago I traveled to Kansas to obtain an abortion. Even now, after all this time, I try to think of a euphemism for it. I interrupted the pregnancy. I made a heart-wrenching decision. Could it really be that I’d actually had a late-term abortion? Yes, that is exactly what I had to do. It took me a long time to be OK with that word, but I finally am now. It was what it was, and it is what it is, and there should be no shame or guilt in that. At the time, I already had a daughter who nearly three years old, and was thrilled to be expecting […]

Only Seventeen

By C.C. I found out three months into my pregnancy that I my baby was a girl. I also found out she had anencephaly. My body didn’t have enough folic acid to allow the baby’s brain and skull to form. I was only 17 at the time. This was my first child. I chose to have an induced labor termination at 19 weeks gestation. My precious baby girl, Seirra Marie. I thought I’d be lost with out her. I had all these dreams for her and they were shattered now. I’m 18 now and am still in pain sometimes. I wish I was in someone else’s shoes and was able to have a […]

Going Home Empty Handed

By B.B. I was barely 24, single and living with my parents when I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t certain if I was ready to have children and ambivalent about continuing the pregnancy. My doctor knew all this, and she made a weird face while performing the ultrasound. She said she saw two separate heartbeats. I was carrying twins. I was stunned. My older sister has a set of twin girls; what were the odds of both of us having twins? I knew right then that my choice would be to keep them. My doctor told me that carrying twins automatically put me at high risk, so […]

But I Did Everything Right

By Caleb’s Mother I was 23 and didn’t even know I was pregnant at first. I’d told my doctor I was really tired and I was having abdominal cramps. He felt my abdomen, said it was probably my appendix, and if it to erupted to go to the ER. A week later a coworker suggested I take a pregnancy test. In about 30 seconds it didn’t just turn pink, but purple! Yes, I am a single mom, but I never regretted my son. I had a career and was at a very stable point in my life. By 15 weeks I had already purchased Caleb’s bedroom furniture, set it up in his […]

My Son Triston

By R.P. I was 19 weeks pregnant and so happy about my pending single motherhood when I found out my son was diagnosed with Chromosome 9 Trisomy. I’d known the baby’s father since I was five years old, and he was more of a friend than anything. But his actions had told me he wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy. The worst part for me was that I chose to be a mom anyway, and now I won’t get to be that, at least not for a while. My son made me dream about things that I’d never thought of. I yearned to hold him, hug him, kiss him […]

Grief and its Relationship with Time

By Marna Cathleen As the layers unfold in my story of loss and grief I am noticing how the pain calms down and something else begins to happen. Yet, in those awful moments I did not believe it would ever get better. How feelings come and go I am learning that a feeling, good or bad, often feels that it will last forever. The only difference between a good feeling experience and bad one is that when the great joy and bliss are happening I usually do not ask the question; “when is this dam bliss going to end?” In fact time stands still in […]

How Do We Walk the Tragic Road?

By Marna Cathleen Lets not fool each other anymore, we all have our tragedies, unique, similar and each our own. The question is not so much about the detail of the specific tragedy, although specifics are very important. More important is the question, how do we walk the tragic road? How much love and consciousness can we bring to our tragedies? How can we be tender with each other and with ourselves even in the most insane times of life? I don’t have the answers to these question but they sit deeply inside of my heart as I do my best to be tender, love and feel […]